Study says coffee will help you live longer, world proceeds to chug Starbucks cup currently in their hand

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By Nick Ashooh

There's nothing better than studies coming out that actually bring us good news. Especially ones that may prove you could be immortal if you play your cards right. 

If you're a coffee drinker, go ahead and chug that cup that's likely in your hand right now.

In a decade-long study of around half-a-million British adults, coffee drinkers were found to have a slightly lower risk of death over a 10-year follow-up period than non-coffee drinkers.

Drinking coffee could boost your chances of a longer life, according to this research, even for those who down as many as eight (!!) cups a day.

There's nothing more hilarious than hearing the phrase "lowers the risk of death" though. It sounds so vague and unscientific. That being said, anything that lowers our risk of anything bad, I'll take. 

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I'm just waiting for another study though to come out and tell us how bad coffee is for us. It happens with everything. One minute we think we can drink beer every night, next scientists tell us any drinking will basically give us cancer. 

Let's just pray we at least hear the wonderful benefits of the greatest summer drink ever created though, spiked seltzers, really soon.

It's not like telling us coffee was bad was going to change anyone's habits though. I mean, out of all the addictions out there, coffee is just one of the accepted vices that we can joke about being addicted to without needing an intervention. 

Even different types of booze have different stigmas, but not like coffee. If you drink wine every night, you're just a fun, bubbly person who just needs to unwind. If you drink beer every night, you're a fat dude. If you drink bourbon or scotch on a nightly basis, you're classy, and just want to like Mad Men. But if that liquor was tequila or vodka, you're a drunk.

Life is just unfair. 

Also, no word on what would've changed if this coffee study included whisky being poured into the coffee. I'm sure someone would be willing to volunteer for that though. 

No joke, I went a poured more coffee when I started writing this. I should stop writing now, since I have a caffeine buzz, and still five more cups to go before I get my full health benefits for the day and can't seem to finish up a full thought and this is turning into a long sentence that is just rambling but I blame the coffee okay goodbye.