By Nick Ashooh
Ever wonder what it's like to be a fly on the wall during a meeting in Ashburn?
Well, we finally have a first hand, exclusive encounter from one. He's asked that we just call him "Larry".
This is what "Larry" saw the morning of July 17th. The names of the innocent have been redacted for their own protection.
It's 9 a.m. in Ashburn, and Bruce has assembled a team of employees who just happened to be in the building so he could conduct a meeting of some kind.
It's a big day. His should-be franchise quarterback "Kurt" is refusing to take a low-ball offer to stay long term in D.C., which makes him very angry.
None of the others pulled into the meeting have anything to do with personnel decisions, but it doesn't matter, because Bruce knows it's just for show anyway, he likes it when people watch him talk.
Bruce stands up in the conference room to confused looks, which is exactly the audience he wants. This is where he shines.
Bruce: "Okay, so as you all know today at 4 is the deadline for Kurt to sign a long term deal with us"
Innocent logical person #1: "Um, Bruce, remember it's Kir.."
Bruce: "Don't start this again. I know his name is Kurt. How could I not know what the name of my quarterback is?"
Innocent logical person #2: "Well, you might want to say the 'K' a little bit harder, remember we talked abou..."
Bruce: "We're wasting time. I call him Kurt to OBVIOUSLY show my established power over him. CLASSIC negotiating tactic. Psshhh. I can say it right if I really want to. Kurt...see, easy. It's not hard to say Kurt or Kurt, both sound very different when I say them as you can hear. Listen. Kurrtttt....and Kuuurrrrttttt. Ok, so anyway, I called this meeting to discuss how we handle Kurt not signing long term today. I want the fans to know it's all his fault and we're the victims here."
Innocent logical person #1: "I suggest we say nothing. No reason to attract more attention to..."
Bruce: "I'm gonna release a statement!"
Innocent logical person #3: "I think that's not the best idea sir. Maybe we say nothing?"
Bruce: "With numbers! And even read it on camera! Yeah that's perfect! I'll mention the money we offered him, but make sure it sounds like more by adding this year's money we already have to give him into the small guaranteed money we also offered! I'm so good at this!"
Bruce's mind then wandered to that cute baby fist pumping meme, and he realized he'd struck gold.
Innocent logical person #2: "Sir, if I may, um, I think maybe just letting this thing play out would be.."
Bruce, mind still wandering: "After I do this, there's no way the fans WON'T see us as the good guys! Besides, they're way too stupid to see through all of our genius PR ideas anyway."
Innocent logical person #1: "Do you actually even want him here? Also, why are WE here? Should we help you find someone from the personnel side? I actually don't even work here myself. I just delivered a package and need to get ba..."
Bruce: "What? Oh shit I totally forgot you guys were still in here. Who cares. People are talking about us. Any publicity is good publicity right? It worked for the Kardashians."
Innocent logical person #2: "Yeah but one also made a sex tape sooo..."
Bruce: "We can find another cheap young quarterback to replace Kurt somewhere. They can't be that hard to find. The Patriots found freakin' Tom Brady in the sixth round. THE SIXTH ROUND! I bet you didn't know that did you? Of course not. No one does. Well I did. Who's in the draft next year? We'll just trade up or something. Draft picks don't cost us REAL money when you trade them anyway. The real money comes from selling jerseys and stuff, like, you know, hot dogs and beer and team picnics."
Innocent logical person #3: "Sooo...we're releasing a statement then I guess. Should we help you write it?"
Bruce: "What? Why would you even ask that? I came up with the idea, so of course I'm writing it! All I need to do is put numbers in it and people will be blown away. I can't believe no one's done this! It's such an easy move to show how generous and well run we are. Everyone will turn on Kurt, and love us. I'm gonna go get started now. You guys can go."
The baffled group gets up and leaves the room, as Bruce walks over to the window, staring out into the Monday morning sky like Joe Biden once famously did.
He then looks around and make sure he's alone, and as he always does during his private time, tries again to pronounce his quarterback's name the real way.
Bruce whispering: "Kurt...Kurrtttt....Kirrrrkkkktttt....KKUUURRRRRTTTTTTKKKK."
Bruce smiled, took a big sigh of relief, and gave himself a pat on the back. "Today, I'll get it right. Today will be a good day" he said.
Little did he know...